i feel awkward around my teacher whom i see as a father figure

2021.09.18 22:45 stinkywallnuts i feel awkward around my teacher whom i see as a father figure

so.. this one's gonna feel awkward. like a lot. so feel free to skip reading on this post. as you may have assumed, im a high school student. im a sophomore, im 16 and im a girl and theres a lot of hormones running wild in my entire body.
i also have a male supervising teacher and i feel awkward around cause i see him as my father figure. its super weird for me to even think about it and write it down. f%ck.
no, my parents have never abused me. i dont think i have some sort of daddy issues?? its just that i dont really trust my parents entirely, also my mom is pretty toxic and a bit narcissistic and i just dont feel like talking to her much. my dad is okay, he's a good, hard working man and i really respect him for working hard to support all of us. he cares about me. he's a good father. i really mean it and i dont want to complain about him. its just that we never had a strong.. emotional bond?? like i wouldnt even go to him and ask him for advice or talk to him about a conversation with my friend. my dad is usually busy with work or tired after work. and he usually talks about work or neighbours or what has happened recently. he doesnt really know what im deeply interested in or how i usually spend my free time. is that normal? cause i dont know how would i describe the way i feel about my relationship with him.
anyway, back to my teacher. now i spend a lot more time at school than at home. when i get home i usually just rest, do my homework, have a shower and go to sleep, cause my commute from school to my house is a bit time consuming. i dont really talk to my parents much anymore except for the weekends. its a bit different since im not having online classes and i dont spend the entire months at home anymore. i know it sounds super f-ing weird, but i kinda wish ive had more affection. like someone would praise me, or hug me, or gave me their hand, or patted me on my head nicely and said i did a good job. cause my mental health hasnt been really great throughout this and last year. i guess im kinda touch starved and sometimes i hug pillows or dig myself in blankets to feel as if someone was laying next to me or hugging me.
and sometimes i imagine my f-ing teacher saying nice things to me or whatever. like being my parent. and the thing is, he's my supervising teacher which means hes technically a parent of my entire class? whatever this sounds like. i realized this when i came to him during a break so he could sign my absence excuse letter and when he saw me standing next to the teachers' room he asked me "is there something you need, [my name]?“. He asked me by my name. it felt weird. like he gave a sh*t about me. i have that thing when something is treating me with respect and kindness i just feel weirdly good about it. even though i deserve being respected just like any other human being. i dont know.. hes just a really good, trustful teacher. he's teaching my favourite subject and hes generally super nice to everyone. and almost every student likes him. i know that he knows im not really good at making friends with other people and he doesnt pressure me to speak. when hes walking across the hallway he sees me as i sit alone with my headphones on. or when im talking to my best friend. also im scared that my school counselor will tell him that im having a meeting with her this monday because she wanted to talk with me during pe and my supervising teacher is in charge of absences of students. no, im not in love with him. i just have this weird feeling. like anxiety, its kinda like social anxiety but you want to be seen as a really good person by others and appreciated by them and youre scared of screwing up in front of them.
idk how do i feel about this. he doesnt even know me at all. i also felt like my english teacher was a bit like my mother figure in middle school but that feeling wasnt that strong and stressful. idk whats wrong with me. i dont feel good about this. i feel weird whenever i think about him. help?
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2021.09.18 22:45 madeforloveandtolove Can you be my one person who will truly listen?

I still have really bad thoughts sometimes. They don't stress me out as much as they did before, I've got much better st coping with it, but sometimes I just need to be able to vocalise what I'm thinking.
I'm strong enough to withstand pain and anxiety now, I have my ways of dealing with it so that it doesn't make me cry any more, that's why I know I can be there to support you as well as myself, because I know I can help to ease your pain without it causing more damage to myself, meaning I can be there for you for as long as you need, whenever you need.
The only thing I do want to ask you though...is can you just sometimes be the person who will sit and listen to me? When I have those kinds of thoughts I mean?
I won't want you to try and fix it, or for you to worry, it will just be me wanting to blurt out my deepest inner thoughts to you, I want you to be the only one who really knows my everything, every thought that makes me who I am, I only want you to be that person who knows me better than anyone else does.
Will you sometimes just be there to listen? So I can get the thoughts out and free my mind while showing you what makes me the way I am?
When you listen, will you be patient, and calm, and understanding of the fact that I don't want you to fix me, I just want you to hear me?
Can you be that one person who doesn't try to change my mind's thoughts, but instead, enables me to free some of the pain ifrom my soul, and just takes the time to sit with me while I talk about it all?
Can I also be that person for you? The one you trust enough to completely open up to, to tell me your deepest thoughts that you're scared to tell other people? Can I be your blank pages for you to write your story in?
I miss you. I really miss my best friend. Can I still call you that? Can I see all of this for what it is, the truest connection between two people that have the deepest love and empathy for eachother? Can I call this what it is, a love that runs so deep it only takes us to look into eachother's eyes to hear the words that are unspoken? Can I feel this for what it is, a bond that exists in every breath that we take and every heart beat that goes by?
Can we love eachother now, for what this is, and for who we are?
Can we be eachother's story? If I listen to yours, please will you listen to mine?
Will you let me tell you that I love you in between the thoughts that occupy my mind?
Will you let me carry your burdens and will you carry mine? Not for pain, but for love?
Will you please listen, to the words I'm unable to say to anyone else?
I have so much I want to tell you.
I have so much time to listen to you.
When we talk, can we both promise to truly hear and understand eachother?
And in between our deep thoughts, can we just have fun together, supportinf eacbkther, make eachother laugh, maybe make love?
I love you, so fucking much.
Will you listen now, and hear my voice in your mind, as I tell you with my thoughts that I love you?
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

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